2010-7
24

Looking for a cheap, quick, & painfree divorce?

Category: I Want A Divorce | No Comments

My spouse  & I can’t seem to get along anymore. I just don’t feel in love anymore. And, I don’t even know if we ever were in love. I am just tired of trying to make this marriage thing work so I think I will just get a divorce. Should I or shouldn’t I?

No, that’s not what I’m thinking, but that is what a high percentage of married folks are thinking. As a pastor who deals with marriages in crisis on a daily basis I have to tell you my heart breaks. Sure, I hate the heartache that husbands & wives are feeling. And, I hate to see any marriage come to an end. But, what I really hate is what their kids have to deal with for the rest of their lives.

You see, regardless of the divorce happy society we live in, divorce is never something God has purposed for anyone. I do understand that there are times that a person simply has no choice but to let their marriage go.

However, I would definitely say that in the majority of cases divorce is not the answer, but simply a way for people to escape commitment.

Here are a few things I want to shout out to those of you thinking about becoming another divorce statistics.

1. As my 8 year old reminded me recently, Daddy remember all those promises you made when you married Mama. My friend those vows you made were to each other & before God. Marriage is a covenant agreement that should not be taken lightly or broken quickly.

2.  Quit thinking about how you can get out of your marriage & start focusing on how to work through your marriage. Every marriage has problems, but there is nothing that can’t be worked out if two people are willing & committed.

3.  Don’t think for a minute divorce is the easy way out. Just take the time to ask anyone who has gone through a divorce and most of them will tell you it was one of the most painful experiences of their life.

4.  Understand your decision to divorce will affect many. You and your spouse will need years to recover from the broken promises. But, even greater if you have kids their lives will forever be changed. They can no longer be with mom & dad anytime they want. They will no longer have the security that comes from Mom & Dad’s commitment to one another. And, if you really have no major reason for getting a divorce they will have learned from you that when their marriage no longer feels right they too can bail out.

5.  Realize that any marriage takes 5 people to make it work.

A lasting marriage requires a Husband, Wife, God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. Listen, I don’t care if you marry someone who appears perfect you will not have a perfect marriage. The only chance of any marriage working over the long haul is for Jesus Christ to be at the center of each of your lives. Maybe your spouse isn’t there. Maybe you aren’t there. Maybe you need to fall on your knees asking God to forgive you for the things you’ve said or done & you need to beg God to heal your marriage.

I promise you this my friend. The grass is not always greener on the other side of a divorce. In fact, most of the time you will end up in a pile of manure.

What about this radical concept? Recommit yourself to loving your spouse until death do you part. Look for ways to work through your problems, not run from them. And, trust God with the many things you just can’t handle or control.

2010-7
6

Take A Timeout

Category: Jesus Take The Wheel | No Comments

Are you stressed, tired, depressed, or just flat feeling out of sorts? Before you say or do anything else you really need to take some time out of your busy schedule and have what I would call a “Be Still Moment.”

A Be still moment is a time that you set aside to regroup, refocus, & recharge.

The Bible tells us that even Jesus, God’s only son “often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”

I believe Jesus did this for many reasons. I want to focus on three reasons that we can identify with.

1.  Regroup. There were times Jesus felt alone in this battle called life and like everything and everyone was against him. Jesus found it to be a necessity that he often spend time alone in prayer and in God’s presence. Only in fellowship with God who knows all and can understand all could Jesus find the comfort and the confidence he needed to carry on with his life’s purpose.

2.  Refocus. Jesus was a man on mission. He knew that God had him on this earth for a reason and he being human did not want to get off track. It would be easy for him to get distracted, discouraged, or complacent if he were to get caught up in the crowd’s way of doing things. So, when Jesus felt he needed clear direction and needed to refocus he knew it was time to “Be Still” before God. Away from the noise & busyness he could put things in perspective, regroup, & get refocused.

3.  Recharge. Jesus got tired. There was even a time on his journey to the cross that he said to God the Father, “My soul is overwhelmed.” Call it stress or just flat exhausted Jesus found himself there many times. Because each day had enough stress and trouble of its own Jesus “often withdrew from the crowds and prayed.”

What about you? Do you withdraw often to spend time alone in coversation with God? Are you in desperate need of a time out right now? Before you say another word or take another step consider a spiritual time out. Find a place where you won’t be distracted by others and other things. Allow God to help you regroup, refocus, & recharge.

2010-6
23

Learning One Another’s Love Language

Category: Learning to Communicate | No Comments

Many couples live together for years and still never learn how to show their love to one another. You could say they don’t love each other or could it be they just don’t know how to communicate their love in a way their partner needs to be loved.

There are some things in life you learn that you rarely use. But, what I am about to share with you will help you in any relationship with anyone. Learning each others love language is the foundation for learning how to communicate love to one another.

Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” points out the following as the five main love languages of every human being.

1.  Words of Affirmation- saying “I love you”; sincerely admiring, praising or complimenting your spouse.; encouraging him or her and expressing your positive feelings in words- these are all ways to use words that affirm.

If your spouse is in great need of you verbally expressing positive feelings to them, but all you do is criticize them. You can expect to feel alienation.

2.  Acts of Service- doing nice things for the other and helping out are acts of service. Serving the other says, “I care enough for you to go out of my way to spend my to time to help you.”

If you are willing to do for others, but you aren’t willing to go the extra mile for you spouse they will notice and likely resent it. They should feel they come first, not just getting left overs. Acts of service is about showing your love by going the extra mile, not just giving lip service.

3.  Gifts – buying a gift or making a gift for the other says, “I was thinking of you and I was willing to put my thoughts in action by getting something for you.” The gift may be small or large.

Now, let me say that gifts are the least of your partner’s needs. However, buying or making something for your spouse is a great way to express your thoughtfulness to your spouse.

4.  Physical Touch or Closeness – touching, patting, hugging, kissing, rubbing, head rubs, back rubs, foot rubs, foot massages and sexual caresses are all examples of physical touch. Being near each other is the point about this one.

Usually, one partner is very touchy and the other does not like a lot of PDA (Public Display of Affection). If your partner does like to be very physically close to you, but you are always pushing them away this can feel like rejection. And, it can lead to them not feeling very close to you. Maybe there is  a reason your partner often says you never hug them, sit by them, or kiss them. If they have a high need for physical touch they are desperately longing for your physical closeness.

5.  Quality Time – hanging out together, spending exclusive time together and talking about things that are important to each of you who show that you care for each other and want to be together.

Most couples start out their relationship spending quality time together. But, as time goes on, work increases, and kids are born their quality time together fades away for most. Every couple needs consistent quality time together without distraction & without excuse. It could be you are too busy or you are too wrapped up in raising your children. Lack of quality time between couples can make sense of all those who divorce right after their kids are grown. Because after the kids leave if you don’t know how to spend time together you will not want to live together.

I encourage you to talk about these five love languages together. Ask your spouse which areas mean the most to them. Share with your spouse which areas communicate love to you. Then seek to love your spouse in a way they will appreciate it and receive it most.

2010-6
16

HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESS?

Category: Jesus Take The Wheel | No Comments

A.  Everyone EXPERIENCES stress. Whether you’re a doctor, farmer, teacher, parent, child, teenager, college student, or even a preacher.You will experience stress. How do I know everyone deals with stress?

One, I’ve never met anyone who has not deal dealt with something stressful.

Two, Jesus tells us we will…

(John 16:33)(NLT) …Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows….

So, the fact that you and I will experience stress along with everyone else in this world is a given.

The question that remains to be answered is

How are you going to deal with it? BECAUSE.

B.  How you COPE with stress really MATTERS.

People deal with stress in many ways.

Some people try to IGNORE THEIR ISSUES.

(For some reason they think if they don’t acknowledge their issues or they choose not to talk about them with anyone they will go away)  I’M AFRAID NOT.

Some people try to RUN FROM THEIR ISSUES.

*So they move to another town, get another job, maybe even find another spouse.

*But, then they discover that their stress still follows them.

Many try to numb their pain & suffering!

Many people turn to a pill, a bottle, or some other drug of choice.

But, these things only numb the pain for a short while.

*Not to mention the fact that by trying to forget about one stress they create another.

Now, the truth is we can’t control nor can we ignore what life throws our way. All we can do is seek to react to the stress of this life in a way that is God honoring & in a way that does not increase our stress.

(Ephesians 5:17)(NIV) Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.

*Now, our stress coping skills are very important because…

C.  Stress will either GROW you or DESTROY you.

I will never forget a preacher friend of mine who shared with me a tragic response to stress involving his Daughter in Law. He said, one day his daughter in law who had not long been married to his son came over to talk with him. And she shared with him that she and his son had been going through some stressful times.  He talked with her & he prayed with her that day, hoping that things would get better.

A few days later, his daughter in law covered herself in gasoline, burned her house down, & burned herself alive.

*My friends that is not how God intends for us to deal with stress.

God’s desire for stress in our lives is that it grows us up & develops us into the men & women God created us to be.

(James 1:2-4)(NLT) 2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

*You can either let stress STOMP YOU. Or you can allow God to make it a stepping stone that develops you & grows you.

(John 10:10)(NLT) JESUS SAYS…The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

Now, there are many books & articles out there you can read on stress management. Things you can find that will help you deal with specific kinds of stress.

But, I want to share with you how Jesus tells us to cope with any kind of stress.

THREE KEYS TO STRESS MANAGEMENT:

(Matthew 11:28-30)(NIV) 28“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

1.  COME to Jesus.

*People run to many things when they deal with stress.

*Some of us run to MAMA!

*Some of us run to our closest friend or friends!
*And, then some of us just run to anything and everything in hopes of getting our minds off what we’re dealing with.

(Matthew 11:28) JESUS SAYS…“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Now, in verse 29 Jesus says something that I believe a lot of us miss.  It’s what sets apart his stress relief process from all others.

Others may offer you temporary stress relief.

But, Jesus says in Matthew 11:29 …you will find REST FOR YOUR SOULS.

YOU SEE, *Jesus offers you SOUL REST.

Now, if you’re just simply tired from working too much or staying up too late. Well, you just need to get some sleep.

But, if you’re anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed, & stressed  deep within your very being. (Simple sleep won’t do)Because your very being is uptight. You’re very being is heartbroken & stressed.

You need SOUL REST.  And Jesus promises to give it to you when you come to him.

(Isaiah 40:29-31)(NLT) 29 He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. 30 Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. 31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary.They will walk and not faint.

(So, one of the first steps to stress management)
Is for you and I to realize our need to COME TO JESUS.  Not as a secondary source of strength & help. But, he must be the first one we run to in our times of stress.

The antidote for stress relief (SOUL REST) can’t be found in a drug, in a relationship, or within yourself.

*The antidote for stress relief is found in a PERSON. That person is JESUS CHRIST.

(John 16:33)(NLT) I have told you all this so that you may have peace IN ME. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

2.  Give up CONTROL and TAKE ON His Yoke.

(Matthew 11:28-30) JESUS SAYS…“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you  and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

WHAT IS A YOKE?

A yoke is a device put around the necks of animals to harness them together. The yoke made it easier for the animals to pull heavy loads together & to be led by their masters.

*A yoke is a symbol of PARTNERSHIP.

Two animals were yoked together so they could work together.

And the idea was they could do way more together than they could apart.

God wants you to partner him with him.

Because you can endure & carry things a lot easier when you and him are yoked together.

God wants to help you out. God wants to share your burden.

God wants relieve your burden.

And in the process he will lighten your load.

(Psalm 55:22)(The Message) Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders— he’ll carry your load, he’ll help you out.

Now, I have to ask you this question:
Who’s shoulders are bigger?    Yours or God’s ?

I think we both know the answer to that question.

GOD’S SHOULDERS.

So, why carry the load you have one more day alone.

Why try to deal with the stress of this life by yourself when Jesus is offering to partner with you.

*A yoke is a symbol of CONTROL.

Here in this passage Jesus tells us one of the critical keys to our stress relief & soul rest…

We have to willfully submit or surrender ourselves to God’s will.

And, we don’t like doing that do we?

*Some people live an entire lifetime trying to deal with pain, heartache, suffering, & great loss by themselves..  When Jesus says we don’t have to.

(James 4:10)(NIV) Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Now, as simple as step two might sound.  Give God control & take on His Yoke.

This is where most people fail.  They just won’t give up the reigns.

They just won’t Let God call the shots & let God lead their life.

So, they continue to settle for second best in life & history continues to repeat itself.

*When you’re yoked with Christ you move TOGETHER

in the same DIRECTION and at the same PACE.

*Then you find rest & your burden is light..

(Galatians 5:25)(NIV) Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

(Romans 3:28)(The Message) Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.

3.  LEARN to Trust.

Matthew 11:28-30 28“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and LEARN FROM ME, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Now, I think most of us have heard the saying, “Its hard to teach an old dog new tricks”.

Well, it’s often times difficult to change our patterns of living overnight when we’ve been doing things certain ways for so long.

So, we’ve got to learn daily from Jesus how to live in a way that is better.

*Learn how to love our spouse…

*Learn how to handle money

*Learn how to raise our children

*Learn how to take one day at a time…

*Learn how to worry less & trust God more….

Two major ways we must trust God..

We trust God by doing what he says will work…Doing what you can

(Proverbs 3:5-6)(NIV) 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

REMEMBER THIS: Do what you can, but trust God for what you can’t…

We entrust this to him through a process called prayer..

(Philippians 4:6-7)(NIV) 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

What was Jesus’ secret of peace:

HUMBLE OBEDIENCE to the Father.

*Time after time we read in the scriptures where Jesus says, I only do what the Father wants me to do.

He chose to humble himself before God & to do God’s will on this earth.

*This way of life gave him peace, purpose, & promise!  And that is the life God offers you today…

(Philippians 2:5-8)(NIV) 5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  6Who, being in very nature[a] God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,  7but made himself nothing, taking the very nature[b] of a servant, being made in human likeness.  8And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!

2010-6
15

A FEW STEPS TOWARDS “REAL” COVERSATION

Category: Learning to Communicate | No Comments

Man, I talk with so many couples who have never had what I consider a deep or a real conversation. I’m always thinking to myself how miserable those two people must be who share the same house, the same family, and not to mention the same bed. You’ve got to feel like you’re sleeping with the enemy. Just thought I would share with you somethings that might help if applied in your efforts towards real conversation.

1.  Check your attitude before you speak. None of us feel safe in talking to someone who starts out barking orders and has a clear single minded agenda. Make sure you approach conversation with a sincere desire to have quality conversation with your spouse. Your attitude will affect your altitude. And if your attitude has stunk for quite a while, it may take a few sincere approaches to really make your spouse feel safe to share their honest feelings.

2.  Listen more than you speak. Most of us are guilty of caring more about being understood than seeking to understand the other person. Seek to really hear the heartbeat of your spouse and then you’ll be able to make a lot more sense of their behavior. Conversation is intended to help you get to know one another, not just prove your point.

3.  Get over yourself and let down your defenses. Expect to have disagreements. Expect to hear things you don’t like. Don’t go crazy everytime you feel criticized or disagreed with by your spouse. You are both individuals and its a proven fact that men and women see a lot of things differently. Many people will never have a real conversation with someone else because they are too busy trying to look and sound perfect. None of us are perfect, so get over it.

Let me sum this us with a few thoughts going through my mind.

1.  Anytime you choose to have a relationship with someone you have to put your whole heart on the line. It’s just the way it works. And, someone can tell when you’re putting your whole heart into something and when you are just going through the motions of a relationship.

2.  There is a time to speak and a time to shut up. You’ve got to know when its best just to walk away. But, you’ve also got to not be afraid to discuss major issues that affect both of you.

3.  If you have anything that you are not being honest with your spouse about, you need to come clean. The longer you wait, the more its going to hurt your marriage and hinder real intimacy between the two of you.

Well, that’s all I have to say about this matter for now! Hope it helps in some way…

2010-6
13

Category: I've Lost That Loving Feeling | No Comments

Have you lost that loving feeling? Do you love your spouse, but you just don’t feel “in love” anymore? If your marriage is struggling for encouragement then maybe this blog is for you. Here are some things I have learned over time about marriage.

1.  You get out of it what you put into it. I hear many people griping about their marriage, but I don’t see them investing in their relationship like they used to do. Go do something fun together. Go out to eat at one of your favorite past time restaurants. Most of all, continually put forth effort to be alone and to connect heart to heart. Most couples used to spend tons of time together. But, if we’re not careful we allow work, children, hobbies, television, the internet, and anything else to come between us.

2.  Love is a choice, not a feeling. You may have liked each other more at one time because you really didn’t know each other before. But, now you’ve seen each other’s bad side & habits. I guess you weren’t told before you got married that the honeymoon would not last long. You need to realize that all marriages struggle and emotions can carry you up and down. On the day you got married you pledged to your spouse your undying love. And what you pledged was that you would choose to love them for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in healh, as long as you both shall live. Love is deciding to care about someone despite how much they even seem to care for you at the moment. Love goes out of its way to demonstrate kindness & thoughtfulness.

3.  There will be seasons of drought. I will admit to you that even my wife and I have had seasons in our 13 years of marriage when we were just going through the motions. I was just going to work, while she was just taking care of the kids. Yes, we slept in the same bed, but we were miles apart emotionally. I have learned over time that all relationships are that way. If not tended to and invested in daily even the best relationship can go south. So, don’t think you are alone if you’ve found yourself in a marital wilderness.

Here are a few things I suggest to you if you are having a tough time regaining your focus and commitment.

a.  Choose to Love your spouse unconditionally. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what else can I give to this relationship. *You will be surprised how your expectations will heighten once you start investing in your marriage.

b.  Believe God for the strength and wisdom you need to make it through this difficult time. God is able to to do more than you could ever dream or imagine. I have seen many marriages that most would have given up on turn around and begin to flourish!

c.  Cast all your cares and anxiety on the Lord because he cares about you and your marriage! Do what you can, but trust God for what you can’t!

2010-6
12

Baby Step 0: Make A Decision To Change

Category: Money Matters | No Comments

Before you even get into the 7 Baby Steps, I think it’s important to start out by talking about just how key it is that you sit down, talk with your significant other, and actually make a decision that you want to change.

A lot of people talk about how to change, but never touch on the fact that if you or your spouse isn’t ready to change, it isn’t going to happen.  You have to want to change.

I know for my wife and I there wasn’t one moment where we decided that we wanted to change, it was just a gradual realization that we weren’t spending our money as wisely as we should, that we were accepting too much debt as a part of our financial plan, and that we craved the freedom of not carrying any kind of debt.  We wanted to be free!

Getting to the point where you want to change might mean that you’ve hit bottom and declared bankruptcy, or it might just mean that you’re sick of not saving enough towards retirement. It’s a different point for  everyone.   But when you get there you’ll know.

No More Debt

Once you’ve made a decision to change, you need to be able to begin the change immediately and make a decision as a family that you aren’t going to incur any more consumer debt. Credit cards and home equity lines of credit are off limits now. No more high interest auto loans! If you want a new TV or a new kitchen countertops, you’re going to have to save for them.  No more store credit cards to buy clothing at ridiculous interest rates!

Cut up your credit cards, and draw a line in the sand. No more debt!

My wife and I used to use our credit cards in a variety of ways.  We would use them to pay for vacations because we wouldn’t plan ahead and save up for them in advance.   We’d use them as a safety net for our household, instead of saving up a cash emergency fund.    If we needed new furniture we would just finance it at the store, and pay it off over time.   Once we made a decision to change, we realized that we couldn’t do that any more.  We had to make a life change.  Using the 7 Baby Steps we were able to make a change in the way we looked at money, and in the process change our lives for the better.

Prepare Yourself

When you’re starting on the road to financial freedom you need to brace yourself and realize that it isn’t always going to be easy getting out of debt and building wealth.   There will be bumps along the road, and there will be times that you’ll want to quit.  Your family and friends may even think you’re a bit odd for all the “strange things” you’re doing – like not using credit cards, not incurring debts to buy nice cars or not upgrading your house.  You’ll seem abnormal, but that’s ok.  Normal is being broke.  Being debt free and financially sound IS strange.  So you want to be strange.

Make a commitment today to simplify, and get started on the road to financial freedom!

2010-6
12

7 Baby Steps to Financial Peace

Category: Money Matters | No Comments
7-baby-steps

Dave Ramsey’s 7 Baby Steps

So those are the 7 Baby Steps.  Pretty simple, yet effective.  Even though it may seem like common sense to a lot of people, a lot of times people just don’t think about doing these things if they haven’t actually been  told how to do them.  So let’s get started.

2010-6
12

Developing Intimacy In Your Marriage

Category: Sexual Intimacy | No Comments

HOW TO DEVELOP INTIMACY IN YOUR MARRIAGE?

1.  Marriage is an INTIMATE UNION.

*Between one man and one woman. For life!

Outside of your relationship with God through his son Jesus Christ.

There is no other relationship on the planet intended to be more intimate & closer than two people who are married.

(Genesis 2:24)(NIV)For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Now, right here in this one sentence are the general ABC’s of two people getting on track in their marriage.

a. LEAVE your parents.

*Now, here its not saying never talk to your parents again.

But, what each married partner must realize is that once a person gets married, they are leaving one family to start their own family.

-Momma’s boys have to grow up & embrace their new identity.

Husband & head of their household. Men, you’re responsible for the direction you lead your marriage & your family.

-Daddy’s girls have to learn to trust & respect their husband.

Allow him to lead. Allow him to be the new head of the house.

b. CLEAVE to your spouse.

Once you get married you are no longer just one of the girls or one of the boys.

*There are many married couples that struggle because one or both of them never choose to cleave to the other.

They don’t act married.

By this, I mean they have never changed their lifestyle, or how they relate to others. Your relationship with your spouse needs everything you’ve got and nothing less.

c. Develop a UNIFIED relationship.

*Notice, I used the word “develop”. Once married you aren’t automatically unified..Yet that is the goal…

“That the two shall become one..”

One Christian Leader states: “All of my counseling in marriage and family problems can be categorized on the basis of these three situations: failure to truly leave parents: failure to cleave to the one partner; or failure to develop a unified relationship.”

“

2.  Every marriage requires a THIRD PARTY.

*In our society, anyone can get a marriage license.

But, only God can create & sustain a real marriage.

A Christian marriage is really a triangle.

A Christian marriage that works is a relationship between a husband, wife, & Jesus Christ.

(Matthew 19:5-6)(NIV) ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[a]? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

For any marriage to work & do more than just co-exist..

God has to bring it together & only God can keep it together.

(John 15:5)(NIV) JESUS SAYS, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

3.  Real intimacy begins outside the BEDROOM.

For many people the word “intimacy” in reference to marriage only refers to sexual intercourse.

But, that’s not where real intimacy begins..

(Song of Songs 1:1-4)(NLT)

1 This is Solomon’s song of songs, more wonderful than any other.  2 Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine. 3 How fragrant your cologne; your name is like its spreading fragrance.
No wonder all the young women love you! 4 Take me with you; come, let’s run! The king has brought me into his bedroom.

*Now, I encourage each of you to read this short book found in the Bible called “Song of Songs” or “Songs of Solomon”

It is filled with romantic & intimate language shared between a man & a woman.

And, we find these things to be critical in a relationship..these are things that lead to true intimacy in marriage.

a. CONVERSATION

(Song of Songs 5:16a)(NIV)

“His mouth is sweetness itself: he is altogether lovely”

Often times our mouths get us into a lot of trouble and can surely kill the mood. All throughout the day we have to season one another with sweet conversation that leads to a deeper intimate connection. God wants you to share life together, not just a bed.

b. CONSIDERATION

(1 Peter 3:7)(NIV) 7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

(1 Peter 3:1-4)(NIV) 1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Love is all about you considering your spouse above yourself. Consider their feelings, their preferences, their passions, and what they are going through personally. Often times intimacy is stopped by one or two selfish people who both just want what they want.


c. CHARACTER

Your character plays into whether you can be trusted and respected. You can be the best looking person in the world, but if your character & attitude stinka so do you. Who wants to cuddle up with someone who is cruel, inconsiderate, unapproachable, & lacks integrity.

4.  You must become to  FRIENDS before LOVERS.

(Song of Songs 5:16)(NIV)

His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.

This is my lover, this my friend,

*This pasted March I celebrated my birthday and I was out of town.

Well, I was very encouraged by many birthday wishes people sent me, in fact my phone buzzed most of the day by post that people had put on the internet.

But, there was one message that was sent to me that stood out & meant the most.

My wife Aimee sent me a message on the computer that simply said:

Happy Birthday to the best husband and friend a girl could ask for!! I love you and hope you have a great day!

5. Your spouse must feel SECURE with you.

(Genesis 2:25)(NIV) The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

(Song of Songs 2:16) My lover is mine and I am his;

(Song of Songs 6:3) I am my lover’s and my lover is mine;

(Song of Songs 7:10) I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.

*Your spouse must know that you’re committed to making your marriage work.

*Your spouse must be convinced that their deepest & darkest thoughts are safe to share with you.

6.  Learn to speak your mate’s LOVE LANGUAGE.

Many men & women love their spouse, but don’t know how to show that love…

What is love?

(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)(NIV) 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8Love never fails.

Now, that’s the definition of love, but here are the practical ways we show that love…

Five Major Love Languages:

1.  Quality Time

2.  Words of Affirmation

3.  Acts of Service

4.  Physical Touch

5.  Gifts

Finally….

7.  Remain a STUDENT of your spouse.

(Proverbs 3:13)(NIV) Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
the man who gains understanding,

*It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married, you are always having to work on the development of oneness with your spouse..

In order for you to remain connected & growing in this intimate union called marriage you have to remain a student of your spouse.

*What is their biggest fears?
*Greatest hurts?
*What brings joy to their heart?
*Keep dating your spouse.

*Be aware of a creeping separateness.

I would say these 3 things are critical to developing REAL INTIMANCY.

1.  Faith

2.  Friendship

3.  Full Commitment (You are either “All In” or “All Out”. There can be no in between. Real Intimacy requires your “Whole Heart” to be devoted and this will lead to “Total Commitment”.

2010-6
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Sexual Intimacy

Category: Sexual Intimacy | No Comments

It’s next to impossible to discuss marriage without talking about sex. Whether you like it or not, sex is a part of marriage. It’s not only meant to be a good thing, but it’s a God thing. In this post, we will look at what God’s word says about sexual intimacy, but first I need you to take time and read my first blog in this category. You must first know how to develop intimacy in your marriage before you can expect to have true intimacy in your marriage.